Zac's Birth - The Untrue Story

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I want to congratulate you, my son, on this, your coming-out-of-my-x-wive’s-vag-day, July 26th, 1990… 31 years ago today!

Though your exploits, up to this point, are well documented at the local precinct, and the stuff of legend, something happened on this very fateful day that not even your dear mother knows about. Something that effected everyone in that room… something that shook the foundation of everyone in existence!

I think it was right around noon of this day that you fell to the tile floor with a heavy thud after being launched from your dear mother’s weary birth receptacle after she pushed for 12 agonizing hours and ingested enough drugs to kill a rhino. She passed out immediately after the launch, and didn’t wake up until Hanukah, so your mother is none the wiser to these events.

Now how do you drop a new born baby you might be asking? But in the doctor’s defense, they desperately tried to corral the writhing, slippery, 2 kilo eggplant that sprung forth, screaming, but were obviously startled by the sudden spectacle. One of the doctors later admitted, “I’ve never seen anything like it! We were not even sure if it was human but it was alive alright, and we had to keep it from hitting the floor. So me and 2 other doctors with 6 hands started grasping at it and we just got air! I swear to god, I think it was performing evasive maneuvers… like it didn’t WANT to be caught! Damn thing put a head fake on me!” So out you came, and down you went, as if in slow motion, barely 10 seconds old, and you were already catching air and breaking ankles. You always were an over achiever. We watched in horror as you landed on the tile floor with a disproportionate clunk, cracking the tile as if an anvil was dropped on it from 10 meters up. This was amusing to you as we all witnessed a 10 second old baby laying on the floor, pointing at us and laughing out loud like you just ran through the entire defense to score a touchdown. The doctors eventually retrieved the gelastic eggplant and presented you to your parents, 1 comatose, the other clueless. I do remember this special moment though as I met you face to face for the first time… you were, indeed, an ugly baby. Unable to send you back, I made the call that we would keep you. What I didn’t know was this…

That 5 foot drop and subsequent seismic collision with the earth’s crust caused a microscopic shift in the space time continuum and threw the earth off its orbit around the sun. This was barely discernible initially, but over time, it’s become evident to the world’s scientific community that it was enough to shorten every humans life by 21 seconds over the course of a 65 year lifetime. Dude, your dense, laughing, eggplant-self actually altered time! And you hadn’t even enjoyed your first swaddle yet.

Let’s see…

  1. be born
  2. go flying
  3. break ankles
  4. alter time
  5. get swaddled…

I would think the swaddling would have come much earlier.

Officials feared the knowledge of these events would trigger a world wide melt down of the religious community, which would, in turn trigger the 3rd World War, which would undoubtedly destroy all infrastructure, food stores, currency and three quarters of the world population. So they had me the attending doctors and nurses killed, leaving your mother because it was not Hanukah so she had not woken up yet. When they came for me, I got the drop on them and moved to Costa Rica and took on the identity of a dried up wanna be rockstar gringo which is working great because no one has mistaken me for a rockstar yet. So Bill Gates implanted a chip in you and the government have been watching you ever since. Kind of like The Truman Show, but more pathetic…. video, audio, the whole works. So yeah, they got everything, like - ev-ry-thing… even all those Mr. Happy playtimes. So yeah, I know, all that’s kind of embarrassing… but hey, video sales are booming!

So there it is, the untold story. I’m sure it explains a lot.

But now you know the disproportionate dent you physically left on the delivery room floor... and the dent you figuratively left on the lexicon of mankind…

on this...

the 26th day

of July

the year of someone’s lord

one thousand, nine hundred & ninety

Happy Birthday Zac ;-)

Location: Coral Springs, FL, USA
Designer, Writer, Musician, Performer. Creative expression is my drug of choice. Outspoken with a flair for the dramatic. Love to engage in deep, honest conversations, encourage opposing views and relish in sensitive topics. A lover, not a fighter and an appreciator of all the universe provides. I strive for passion, or what’s the point? Canadian heritage, US citizenship, Costa Rica resident… I think I’ll stick around.

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